Shame. The word evokes many emotions when placed in black ink, on white paper.
Public shaming. I found, for me, was an entirly different animal.
Shame. Private. Toxic. Deadly. Poisenous.
Public shaming. Was my beginning. A ray of light. A moment in time … that shed a drop of hope, not unlike a drop of sweat … or blood, off my brow. A sign of the agony this woman was undergoing … the nessessary means God had chosen.
March of 2015 was that moment, for me.
Looking back … when I first knew … I can feel so vividly. 5 senses, all on “Red Alert” … all at one time.
From that moment … to total surrender, took a minute or two (37 months). I can laugh out loud with joy today. Who was that girl back then?
You can imagine how excited I was when I found:
- Jesus was the one. The kind of person whom I could safely expose my secrets.
- He wasn’t surprised at all by my faults. And He wasn’t waiting to condemn me.
- He took a private note of my wrongs and wrote them in soft dust, not etching them in stone ready for public posting.
And then He whispered in my ear, “My wish for you is to be kinder to yourself, and to others. We will work on these faults of yours together.”
I learned a whole new way to live that day when I heard His voice say those words.
I no longer etch peoples wrongs in stone. As I searched through others wreckage, I found mine. Alongside of Hope … and Faith … and Love. We are all human.
Shame is a bitch. It’s a trigger for whatever that thing is that I love to do in the deep, dark recesses of my life. Where no one is watching.
Shame has kept many of us in hiding.
Today I practice Kindness. Notice the keyword here is Practice. I have released myself from the drive for perfection. And I realize at times, I will fail.
No apology will be given for the road that others are on. Nor do I ask
God’s order has to work up to a crisis in our lives because we will not heed the gentler way. When we debate, He produces a providential where we have to decide – for or against, and from that point, the “Great Divide” begins. ~ Oswald Chambers
… and I am no longer ashamed. How could I be.
This was all in the plan.